Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about the... [show more]

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex." [show less]

There are VERY thirsty. But in big letters on the bar it reads NO STRINGS ALLOWED! So the first string tries his luck and goes in... [show more]

There are VERY thirsty. But in big letters on the bar it reads NO STRINGS ALLOWED!
So the first string tries his luck and goes into the bar. He orders a beer, and the bartender asks him, "Are you a string?" The string says "Why, yes I am!"
"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY BAR! NO STRINGS ALLOWED!"
So he walks out defeated, and the next string walks in the bar saying... "You went about it the wrong way! It is all about confidence."
So he sits down, slams his fist down and says "Hey! Barkeep! Get me a damn beer!" The bartender looks at him and asks "Are you a string?". The string says "HELL yes I am!"
"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY BAR! NO STRINGS ALLOWED!"
So the final string sees him leave the bar, and says, "don't worry guys! I'll get us some drinks!" He ties himself in a knot and frays up his ends and walks into the bar.
He sits down and orders a drink and the bartender looks at him and asks , "Hey, are you a string?" the string shakes his head and says, "Sorry, I'm a Frayed-knot!" [show less]

. . . and waddles on up to the barkeep. He asks, "*quack* got any duck food?" The bartender replies, "no, this is a bar; we do... [show more]

. . . and waddles on up to the barkeep. He asks, "*quack* got any duck food?"

The bartender replies, "no, this is a bar; we don't serve duck food."

The ducks says, "*quack* alright then *quack quack*"

The next day, the duck returns to the bar, waddles up to the barkeep and asks again, "*quack* got any duck food?"

The barkeep is visibly annoyed by the duck. He tells the duck, "no, we don't serve duck food at this bar, and if you ask again, I'll nail your bill to the bar."

The next day, sure enough, the duck returns to the bar once more. He waddles over to the barkeep and asks, "*quack* got any nails?"

"No," replied the barkeep.

"*quack* got any duck food? *quack quack*" [show less]

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "... [show more]

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to
your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my
advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison. [show less]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his... [show more]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have A wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. "Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!" [show less]

says to the patrons "I'll have sex with the first man who can guess my weight"! Guy at the bar says sarcastically "98lbs" Woman ... [show more]

says to the patrons "I'll have sex with the first man who can guess my weight"! Guy at the bar says sarcastically "98lbs" Woman says "Close enough" [show less]

Think about it =P

and discussing who is the better surgeon. The first surgeon declares "There was a pianist who lost two fingers and came to me. I r... [show more]

and discussing who is the better surgeon. The first surgeon declares "There was a pianist who lost two fingers and came to me. I re-attached them and he played at Carnegie six months later."
"That's nothing," declared the second, "A man came into my office after having lost both arms to a shark. I put him back together and a year later he took Olympic Gold.
"You all got nothin' on me," blustered the third. "A cowboy was high on coke and drunk out of his mind and rode his horse into a train goin 80 mph. All I had to work was a horse's ass and a cowboy hat and he's the president." [show less]

the first penguin I can understand but why didn't the second one see it?

Voiceover: This man is Ernest Scribbler (Michael Palin), writer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke... [show more]

Voiceover: This man is Ernest Scribbler (Michael Palin), writer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world and, as a consequence, he will die laughing. (Scribbler writes his joke and dies laughing. His mother (Eric Idle) then enters the room. She is shocked by the death of her son, and seeing the paper in Scribbler's hands, she reads it, dying of laughter as well.)
. . .
Voiceover: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke [Cut to stock footage of Neville Chamberlain returning from Munich and holding up the Munich Agreement, the "this is peace in our time"-bit.], and one which Hitler just couldn't match.

[Cut to stock footage of Hitler giving a speech.]

Hitler: [subtitle] My dog's got no nose!

Soldier: [subtitle] How does he smell?

Hitler: [subtitle] Awful!
. . .
Narrator (in person): In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again. [show less]

... So I had to temporarily move back in with my parents... I walked up to my room and upon opening the door I noticed how they ha... [show more]

... So I had to temporarily move back in with my parents... I walked up to my room and upon opening the door I noticed how they hadn't changed anything... There I was looking at my at my Star Wars bedroom comforter set... and THAT is when I realized... that the force is NOT with me. [show less]

(No description provided)

...Depends on how hard you throw them.

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother and new baby ca... [show more]

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby.



Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.



When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's

family was invited over to see the baby.



Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him

and explained that the baby had no ears.



His dad also told him that if he so Much as mentioned anything about

the baby's missing ears or even said the Word "ears" he would get the

spanking of his life when they came back home.



Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.



When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."



The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."



Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,

a cute little nose and r eally beautiful eyes. Can he see?"



Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he

will have 20/20 vision."



That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be

shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses." [show less]

... With Little Caesars. http://www.littlecaesars.com/... [show more]

... With Little Caesars.

http://www.littlecaesars.com/ [show less]

(No description provided)

He then enters the bar and asks for an ice cream. The pretty redhead replies with an husky, whispery voice "I've not much flavour ... [show more]

He then enters the bar and asks for an ice cream. The pretty redhead replies with an husky, whispery voice "I've not much flavour left. You can choose between cream, chocolate, mint, hazelnut and lemon". The guy then ask her "Poor thing, what happened to your voice?" "Nothing, but I'm ill so I can't speak much..." "I see... have you got laryngitis?" The pretty redhead pouts and tries to talk as loud as she can "I've just said you I cannot speak much, and you keep asking me for an Ice Cream flavour I never said I have?" [show less]

Elephino!

a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull humping your leg? Answer: You let the pitbull finish.... [show more]

a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull humping your leg?

Answer: You let the pitbull finish. [show less]